Yeah, yeah... I know I'm not good at this. It always surprises me to find out that people actually still look at this and read it (try to) when I'm so bad at keeping it updated. I'm a way better "MySpace'r" than Blogger. So, if any of you have MySpace, look me up. :) I decided that I would post some stuff on my blog here, that is already on my MySpace blog. They are just random thoughts by me.
But, before I do that, I suppose I have some updates to give.
A. The "When Harry Met Sally" scenario going on in my life with Nate... total disaster. If I'm Sally, then I'm not talking to Harry anymore. That's the part of the movie that we're in. But I don't think it's going to end the same way.
B. Went on some fun trips this summer but I surprisingly and unfortunately didn't really take any pictures. My digital stopped working and I had to get a new one. I feel sad that I don't have pic's of my trips though.
****Bear Lake Humpherys Family Reunion in July: filled with wave runners and dirt biking (which I totally wrecked my bike and still have to get it fixed)
****30 mile back packing trip to Wind Rivers in Wyoming: So Beautiful!! I was so sad to hike back into reality (cell phones, email, myspace, text messaging) It was a world with out stress.
****British Columbia for a work trip in June ...absolutely beautiful
****New Mexico for Caleb's baptism
****Colorado with my friend Heather to visit her "friend" :)
C. For awhile I wasn't doing so great at work. I'm usually 110%, but this last year my heart hasn't been in it. To tell you the truth, my whole life has been somewhere different than the norm and I've hated it. I'm on the road to making it what I want again, but it's a far stretch. My career is in recovery mode... :S
D. Jenya moved back to UT (Hallelujah). Even though I don't see her as much as I used to, it's nice to know that she is so close again and I can see her with out driving to Vegas.
E. Violin lessons have ceased to exist. :( I suck.
F. Never been so poor in my life. This is in fact an "event" in my life so it deserved a letter on my scale of things. It sucks and I'm humbled by it, but am grateful I have parents that help me and feel lucky to have them.
G. Recently got a new calling in church. Now I'm the official "FHE Mom/ Co.Coordinator". I have had FHE at my house all year long, but now have an official calling for it. I am still in the Enrichment committee as well.
H. Read my MySpace Blogs below:
Blog 1: Life Has Been Patiently Waiting For Me
You know those times when you look at your life and think, "This isn't what I've planned for myself. I didn't expect to end up here! I don't belong here" ?
The lyrics to the song below explain perfectly those same feelings we've all experienced and are feelings that I too can personally relate to. Also, I have started writing a book. I have a feeling that it will take me FOREVER to write, but this song has kind of inspired my books theme.
Life is all about "moving on". You always have trials to deal with and you have to "fall down 7 times, stand up 8", right? In the mean time, when you're picking yourself up off the floor, "Life is patiently waiting for you". The lyrics to this song are "feel good" for me and inspire me to decide to make my life what I want it.
As long as I always have the end result in mind, I can't get off course too far before I realize I'm pointed in a different direction than intended.
The reality of it is this... everyone needs time to wallow and come to grips with their past, future, fears, and trials. Everyone has something about their life that they'd do over again or that they regret. However, there is also a time that you decide that enough is enough and take responsiblity. You realize that you are the only one that has the power to change anything. It is then time to move on and face it. Optimism is a trait that can be your biggest blessing and treasure in times like those. Take all the lessons you learned from one day to the next and better yourself and those around you. In keeping that perspective, you will one day be forgiven (by yourself, others, etc) and will have given back what you have taken.
In the midst of your transition you will have forgotten about yourself and your own life and will see that the life that was waiting for you, while you were standing up that 8th time, you are now living.
Moving On, Rascal Flatts
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me sormewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
Blog 2: Crushed by Reality
I don't know if many of you knew this about me, but I used to write poems all the time. I actually have an entire book of poems I wrote when I was younger. I even used to submit them in contests. I haven't wanted to or been inspired to write a poem for years but recently wrote this one about Harry. :)
My heart is breaking...
Slowly and painfully, it's torn in two
And yet, I can't seem to keep my distance from you
I yearn for your attention, and hope that you'll soon realize
What it is that I'm all about and see it next time we catch each other's eyes
I've let all the little things you do take me over
Sight of what I really want is lost
The world has faded behind you
And my love is turning into anger and chaos
I'm going crazy for you
And I'm going crazy within myself
I don't want to lose you
But I can't let the pain, any longer, dictate my health
I will never be appreciated
This I've learned the hard way
I give and give to you
But it's never good enough anyway
I can't bear to keep this pain inside.
And I see you carry your own
I see that lost look in your eyes
And I see what others don't
You mask the pain behind your every day success
But deep down I know your crying
You too have been hurt in life
But can't find your will to keep trying
You walk this way of life
That has no direction and no meaning
But it's all right here in front of you
And pride takes over your internal warning
Prayer and faith will be a test of time
And repentance will at first make us weak
Think ahead and act upon
The buried love you feel and seek
Signals tell you that love is near
But this love is passing you by
Cause if you don't
I'll soon be out of reach
With but one more regret and tainted heart sigh
Countless nights of tears I've cried
Will never be heard by you
You'll never know the pain you've caused
And I'm tired of being held down by my love for you
You won't listen, you refuse
I could be spending my energy where it's better used
...On someone that cares and knows how to love
That's what I pray for from the good Lord above
I should start thinking of ME now
I know I deserve better than this
It's taken a few hard knocks in life
But I think it's time for that one last fatal kiss
Holding on is so much easier to do
The future would be more predictable than leaving you
I'm running out of myself to give
And although it's hard for me to admit
This isn't a love meant for me to live
I want the kind of love that will never quit
Inspired by the song, "Love She Can't Live With Out" by Clint Black. "She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with, she wants the kind of love she can't live with out."
Blog 3: Some of the most important things to me...
The following blog was posted on my myspace knowing that many people who are not LDS would read it. I felt compelled to write this.
So, I just posted some facts about the LDS church that I got off of my sisters page and it made me think of something that has always really impressed me about this faith... my faith... and that is the organization of this church. Every 6 months when we have General Conference they read the church statistics to us (how many churches built, members, wards, stakes, temples, attendance, finances, service, missionaries, etc.). And every time they do this, I'm amazed at how everything runs and has a specific and proper function to the order in which everything is carried out.
In this most recent general conference, there was a talk given about how to answer the questions of someone who may be of another religion or faith and how they usually say, "Just tell me a LITTLE about your religion". I have experienced this question on many occasions and never even know where to start. One answer spins yet another question and another... However, what I have found in trying to answer these questions to the best of my ability, is that each time I answer or think about my answers, it renews my testimony of this gospel and how true it is. The perfect order and organization of this gospel 'just makes sense'. Every thing has purpose and meaning, in this life and through the eternities. I truly believe that ANY person that has an open mind and really wants to learn about this religion will find themselves and will find truth in its teachings. I have learned why 'faith' is the guiding and underlying principle of our religion and how all of the ordinances that we believe to be true are solely predicated on this one word.
As many of my close friends know, this last year and 1/2 has been really rough for me. I have lost myself and have been in a long process of finding my place again. What I know to be true is what I always come back to. This is what gives me peace in my life. I am blessed to have the knowledge and foundation of this gospel in my life and to KNOW it in my heart. I feel blessed for my testimony of these things and have often wondered in my life where I would be if I didn't have that to fall back on at the lowest points of my life.
I know that I have not always lived my life in the perfect "mormon" standard, but then again, who has? I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I am human as are the people that claim to be the perfect mormon and hide behind their church titles or proclaimed 'actions' as an excuse to do something less than integral. Often our church is judged by those that claim to be more when in reality it is just another person in this world who is as insecure about something in their life as the next.
And, as weird as it is for me to proclaim my beliefs on MySpace, why not? My religion and my beliefs are a big part of who I am and although I stumble, it is the guiding force behind the decisions I make and the bigger picture for what I want in my life. I hold dear the principles and values that are taught. Although many people view them as harsh, I don't see how the "moderation" law can be given when you are dealing with masses of people. There must be a distinct line drawn. I feel that many people view/judge LDS people for the high standards that are set instead of completely understanding or really wanting to understand our beliefs and applying those things to what it could mean for you, your family and the lives of those you love.
You will never understand everything, no one does. But I DO guaranty and put my personal promise on it, that if you want to find it and KNOW for yourself, you will. IF you have a searching, humble and open heart, the blessings and the knowledge of this gospel will be unfolded into your heart, mind and soul and you will have no questions.
Some pictures from my Wind Rivers trip: