What does "Tė-ora Poerava Nehenehe" mean? My new friend Jeremy, (Jeremy #2, not to be confused with Jeremy #1 in my previous posts) in my ward went, on his mission to Tahiti. Since I am in fact Tahitian, we decided that I needed a Tahitian name. So, Tė-ora Poerava Nehenehe is my new name. It means "The Life of a Beautiful Black Pearl". Isn't that the best name for my blog! :) I love my new name even though I have to carry a post-it note around with me because I can't remember what it is. From now on (starting tomorrow) everyone must address me with my new name if they want me to respond. :)
Pronunciation? "Tay-Ora Poi-raewva Nuh-hay-nuhhay". Got it? Say it 10x fast... in 5, 4, 3... GO!!
I learned that Jeremy's Tahitian name is: Puantatava which means "Pig Man"... which translates in to "Warrior" since the tough guys are the ones that went out and killed the pigs. I'm sure that I didn't put that as eloquently as as he told me, but hopefully I got the jist of it right.
Thanks for my new name Jeremy!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Guitar Hero III
So Guitar Hero III is out. Scott called me the other night because he pre-ordered it when it came out at midnight on Saturday night/Sunday AM. I went up to Bountiful and played until 6am with him and one of his friends. We played ALLLLL night until our brains stopped working, until our eyes could no longer see and our hands cramped up and could no longer push one more Guitar Hero III button. I found out what VGH was and that I now had it. What is it you ask? Video Game Hangover. Lame... I've found out that I can be a total video game nerd. I'm totally obsessed with Guitar Hero.
At any rate, I give this game a thumbs up. It is way harder than Guitar Hero II. I like that it is that much more challenging. I'M THE CHAMPION!!! HA haaa...
Ouch!
So, I thought I'd have fallen to sleep by now, but as you can see, I have not. So, I thought I'd tell you a funny story that happened to me tonight. Well, I'm not sure if it was funny, but maybe after the "burn" goes away, it will be.
I went to go pick Franklin up from my mom's before I went to ward prayer tonight. Frank was of course very excited to see me when I walked through the door, like always. And, like always, Franklin was all crazy wanting to jump and lick my face. So, I sat down on the couch and got close to him to give him a hug and the wire on his dog tag hooked in my nostril. When I realized that it was about to pierce a hole in my nose, I tried to calm Franklin down by holding him, but instead it had the opposite effect and he jerked away. OUCH!!! It actually punctured a small hole in my nose and then tore it. Yep, you read that correctly. It TORE IT! The hook leached on in the inside of my nostril, poked through and then ripped out. Luckily it was not a big span of tearing, but man did it hurt! I wanted to beat him like I've never wanted to beat him before. :) ...but of course I didn't. I actually ran into the bathroom to find that it was bleeding. My mom was quick to pull out the handy dandy emergency kit (3 of them. yes, 3 kits. lol) and threw things out of them for me to fix my torn and bleeding nose. It really isn't too noticeable. But, I bet people will probably look at it thinking that I have a crusty, bloody ring on my nose which is NOT attractive. What can I do though, right? People at ward prayer got a laugh out of it and as long as someone else's day was better because of my ripped nose, then at least I've added goodness to someone's life through the pain. :)
PS. Remind me not to breath in when it's cold out. In through the mouth, out through the nose. Ahhhhhhh...
I went to go pick Franklin up from my mom's before I went to ward prayer tonight. Frank was of course very excited to see me when I walked through the door, like always. And, like always, Franklin was all crazy wanting to jump and lick my face. So, I sat down on the couch and got close to him to give him a hug and the wire on his dog tag hooked in my nostril. When I realized that it was about to pierce a hole in my nose, I tried to calm Franklin down by holding him, but instead it had the opposite effect and he jerked away. OUCH!!! It actually punctured a small hole in my nose and then tore it. Yep, you read that correctly. It TORE IT! The hook leached on in the inside of my nostril, poked through and then ripped out. Luckily it was not a big span of tearing, but man did it hurt! I wanted to beat him like I've never wanted to beat him before. :) ...but of course I didn't. I actually ran into the bathroom to find that it was bleeding. My mom was quick to pull out the handy dandy emergency kit (3 of them. yes, 3 kits. lol) and threw things out of them for me to fix my torn and bleeding nose. It really isn't too noticeable. But, I bet people will probably look at it thinking that I have a crusty, bloody ring on my nose which is NOT attractive. What can I do though, right? People at ward prayer got a laugh out of it and as long as someone else's day was better because of my ripped nose, then at least I've added goodness to someone's life through the pain. :)
PS. Remind me not to breath in when it's cold out. In through the mouth, out through the nose. Ahhhhhhh...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Halloween Partayy!!!
So I had a costume party the other night at my house in which Jeremy and I had been talking about for a whole month. I told him I'd take care of inviting people and never actually invited anyone. So, for not inviting people, I must say that I had a good turn out. It was pretty fun!
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Some Pictures
Since my last blogs were so long and didn't have pictures I thought I should put SOMETHING up to keep ya interested. ;)
My new hair cut. I cut about 10 inches off.
We hosted some guests in the office last week and they sent us flowers to say thank you. Here all of the gals are that got flowers. We took a picture and sent him a thank you email.
On our way home from CO this summer a semi flipped over and we got delayed with no movement for almost 2 hours. It totally sucked. So we got out and chatted with people in the cars next to us and took some pic's.
Heather, her daughter, and her "friend" in CO. :)
Although Mayzie is wearing the Lion outfit, this is Franklin's Halloween costume. LOL He kind of hates the mane. It bugs him. I need to take pic's of HIM in it now.
Harry made a helmet for Franklin one night. I laughed and laughed. Poor little guy. He'll do anything for treats.
Harry surprised us with SuperBike racing tickets. This is me and his roommate Russ. Wow! Look how long my hair was. I just cut it not too long ago and plan on cutting it again tomorrow.
This is my dad being silly with some plastic egg ends. Hilarious!
Jalynn came from AZ this summer and visited me for a week. It was so good to see her and have her here. It's so good to have long time friends!
Jay, Harry, Sally, Jeremy
FHE last week at my place. Carving pumpkins. Jeremy looks hot in this picture. ...just an observation. ;)
My new hair cut. I cut about 10 inches off.
We hosted some guests in the office last week and they sent us flowers to say thank you. Here all of the gals are that got flowers. We took a picture and sent him a thank you email.
On our way home from CO this summer a semi flipped over and we got delayed with no movement for almost 2 hours. It totally sucked. So we got out and chatted with people in the cars next to us and took some pic's.
Heather, her daughter, and her "friend" in CO. :)
Although Mayzie is wearing the Lion outfit, this is Franklin's Halloween costume. LOL He kind of hates the mane. It bugs him. I need to take pic's of HIM in it now.
Harry made a helmet for Franklin one night. I laughed and laughed. Poor little guy. He'll do anything for treats.
Harry surprised us with SuperBike racing tickets. This is me and his roommate Russ. Wow! Look how long my hair was. I just cut it not too long ago and plan on cutting it again tomorrow.
This is my dad being silly with some plastic egg ends. Hilarious!
Jalynn came from AZ this summer and visited me for a week. It was so good to see her and have her here. It's so good to have long time friends!
Jay, Harry, Sally, Jeremy
FHE last week at my place. Carving pumpkins. Jeremy looks hot in this picture. ...just an observation. ;)
Roommates
Ohhh. Duh, I didn't include anything about my roommies on the last post. Again, I will outline it.
Roommate Chauni aka "Scammer" #1:
Moved in my place in January. Charged her hardly anything. She stole from me, lied about it and was a disasterous non-hygenic live in. Ugh! Ended up kicking her out after she owed me so much money, kept her stuff and now she's arguing with me how much $ she owes me.
Roommate Jesarela aka "Scammer" #2:
Moved into my place in March. Found out she was a pathalogical liar... She went to "visit" CA and didn't ever come back for over a month and just left all her stuff at my house. She of course owed me a balance at this point and gave me a check so she could get her stuff. Check? Bad idea... yeah, it bounced for $600. (oh and PS: I had helped her get a job at my work. Bad idea #2)
The update on her is that she moved in with a friend of hers and stole her friends bank card, drained her friends account, stole electronic stuff from the place she worked and took of to San Diego. The only good idea I had was not letting her move back in with me before this happened.
Roommate Matt aka "Best Roommate Ever" #3:
Yes, you read that right. I live with Matt, a guy. His family is good friends with my friend Laura's family. He is a marine and was stationed her at the last second, only had 12 hrs to find a place to stay and I trust Laura and her "referrals". So, needless to say, I'd never met the kid and he moved in. We get a long really well (his girlfriend isn't too fond of me), and he cooks, cleans, takes out the trash, is never home AND the best part is that he has already paid his rent. MIRACLE! He was only going to stay here til he found another place, but I will be sad when he goes. He'll probably only live here til the end of Nov from the sounds of it.
Also, he is catholic, seems to be pretty religious. He has a lot of questions about the church and has even asked me if he can go with me. So, this next Sunday will be his first "mormon" experience. I will have to update you on how that goes. He didn't want to be stationed in UT of all places but said that he feels like there is a bigger purpose and isn't sure what it is yet. Interesting...
Here's a picture of Matt:
Roommate Chauni aka "Scammer" #1:
Moved in my place in January. Charged her hardly anything. She stole from me, lied about it and was a disasterous non-hygenic live in. Ugh! Ended up kicking her out after she owed me so much money, kept her stuff and now she's arguing with me how much $ she owes me.
Roommate Jesarela aka "Scammer" #2:
Moved into my place in March. Found out she was a pathalogical liar... She went to "visit" CA and didn't ever come back for over a month and just left all her stuff at my house. She of course owed me a balance at this point and gave me a check so she could get her stuff. Check? Bad idea... yeah, it bounced for $600. (oh and PS: I had helped her get a job at my work. Bad idea #2)
The update on her is that she moved in with a friend of hers and stole her friends bank card, drained her friends account, stole electronic stuff from the place she worked and took of to San Diego. The only good idea I had was not letting her move back in with me before this happened.
Roommate Matt aka "Best Roommate Ever" #3:
Yes, you read that right. I live with Matt, a guy. His family is good friends with my friend Laura's family. He is a marine and was stationed her at the last second, only had 12 hrs to find a place to stay and I trust Laura and her "referrals". So, needless to say, I'd never met the kid and he moved in. We get a long really well (his girlfriend isn't too fond of me), and he cooks, cleans, takes out the trash, is never home AND the best part is that he has already paid his rent. MIRACLE! He was only going to stay here til he found another place, but I will be sad when he goes. He'll probably only live here til the end of Nov from the sounds of it.
Also, he is catholic, seems to be pretty religious. He has a lot of questions about the church and has even asked me if he can go with me. So, this next Sunday will be his first "mormon" experience. I will have to update you on how that goes. He didn't want to be stationed in UT of all places but said that he feels like there is a bigger purpose and isn't sure what it is yet. Interesting...
Here's a picture of Matt:
World's Worst Blogger
Yeah, yeah... I know I'm not good at this. It always surprises me to find out that people actually still look at this and read it (try to) when I'm so bad at keeping it updated. I'm a way better "MySpace'r" than Blogger. So, if any of you have MySpace, look me up. :) I decided that I would post some stuff on my blog here, that is already on my MySpace blog. They are just random thoughts by me.
But, before I do that, I suppose I have some updates to give.
A. The "When Harry Met Sally" scenario going on in my life with Nate... total disaster. If I'm Sally, then I'm not talking to Harry anymore. That's the part of the movie that we're in. But I don't think it's going to end the same way.
B. Went on some fun trips this summer but I surprisingly and unfortunately didn't really take any pictures. My digital stopped working and I had to get a new one. I feel sad that I don't have pic's of my trips though.
****Bear Lake Humpherys Family Reunion in July: filled with wave runners and dirt biking (which I totally wrecked my bike and still have to get it fixed)
****30 mile back packing trip to Wind Rivers in Wyoming: So Beautiful!! I was so sad to hike back into reality (cell phones, email, myspace, text messaging) It was a world with out stress.
****British Columbia for a work trip in June ...absolutely beautiful
****New Mexico for Caleb's baptism
****Colorado with my friend Heather to visit her "friend" :)
C. For awhile I wasn't doing so great at work. I'm usually 110%, but this last year my heart hasn't been in it. To tell you the truth, my whole life has been somewhere different than the norm and I've hated it. I'm on the road to making it what I want again, but it's a far stretch. My career is in recovery mode... :S
D. Jenya moved back to UT (Hallelujah). Even though I don't see her as much as I used to, it's nice to know that she is so close again and I can see her with out driving to Vegas.
E. Violin lessons have ceased to exist. :( I suck.
F. Never been so poor in my life. This is in fact an "event" in my life so it deserved a letter on my scale of things. It sucks and I'm humbled by it, but am grateful I have parents that help me and feel lucky to have them.
G. Recently got a new calling in church. Now I'm the official "FHE Mom/ Co.Coordinator". I have had FHE at my house all year long, but now have an official calling for it. I am still in the Enrichment committee as well.
H. Read my MySpace Blogs below:
Blog 1: Life Has Been Patiently Waiting For Me
You know those times when you look at your life and think, "This isn't what I've planned for myself. I didn't expect to end up here! I don't belong here" ?
The lyrics to the song below explain perfectly those same feelings we've all experienced and are feelings that I too can personally relate to. Also, I have started writing a book. I have a feeling that it will take me FOREVER to write, but this song has kind of inspired my books theme.
Life is all about "moving on". You always have trials to deal with and you have to "fall down 7 times, stand up 8", right? In the mean time, when you're picking yourself up off the floor, "Life is patiently waiting for you". The lyrics to this song are "feel good" for me and inspire me to decide to make my life what I want it.
As long as I always have the end result in mind, I can't get off course too far before I realize I'm pointed in a different direction than intended.
The reality of it is this... everyone needs time to wallow and come to grips with their past, future, fears, and trials. Everyone has something about their life that they'd do over again or that they regret. However, there is also a time that you decide that enough is enough and take responsiblity. You realize that you are the only one that has the power to change anything. It is then time to move on and face it. Optimism is a trait that can be your biggest blessing and treasure in times like those. Take all the lessons you learned from one day to the next and better yourself and those around you. In keeping that perspective, you will one day be forgiven (by yourself, others, etc) and will have given back what you have taken.
In the midst of your transition you will have forgotten about yourself and your own life and will see that the life that was waiting for you, while you were standing up that 8th time, you are now living.
Moving On, Rascal Flatts
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me sormewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
Blog 2: Crushed by Reality
I don't know if many of you knew this about me, but I used to write poems all the time. I actually have an entire book of poems I wrote when I was younger. I even used to submit them in contests. I haven't wanted to or been inspired to write a poem for years but recently wrote this one about Harry. :)
My heart is breaking...
Slowly and painfully, it's torn in two
And yet, I can't seem to keep my distance from you
I yearn for your attention, and hope that you'll soon realize
What it is that I'm all about and see it next time we catch each other's eyes
I've let all the little things you do take me over
Sight of what I really want is lost
The world has faded behind you
And my love is turning into anger and chaos
I'm going crazy for you
And I'm going crazy within myself
I don't want to lose you
But I can't let the pain, any longer, dictate my health
I will never be appreciated
This I've learned the hard way
I give and give to you
But it's never good enough anyway
I can't bear to keep this pain inside.
And I see you carry your own
I see that lost look in your eyes
And I see what others don't
You mask the pain behind your every day success
But deep down I know your crying
You too have been hurt in life
But can't find your will to keep trying
You walk this way of life
That has no direction and no meaning
But it's all right here in front of you
And pride takes over your internal warning
Prayer and faith will be a test of time
And repentance will at first make us weak
Think ahead and act upon
The buried love you feel and seek
Signals tell you that love is near
But this love is passing you by
Cause if you don't
I'll soon be out of reach
With but one more regret and tainted heart sigh
Countless nights of tears I've cried
Will never be heard by you
You'll never know the pain you've caused
And I'm tired of being held down by my love for you
You won't listen, you refuse
I could be spending my energy where it's better used
...On someone that cares and knows how to love
That's what I pray for from the good Lord above
I should start thinking of ME now
I know I deserve better than this
It's taken a few hard knocks in life
But I think it's time for that one last fatal kiss
Holding on is so much easier to do
The future would be more predictable than leaving you
I'm running out of myself to give
And although it's hard for me to admit
This isn't a love meant for me to live
I want the kind of love that will never quit
Inspired by the song, "Love She Can't Live With Out" by Clint Black. "She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with, she wants the kind of love she can't live with out."
Blog 3: Some of the most important things to me...
The following blog was posted on my myspace knowing that many people who are not LDS would read it. I felt compelled to write this.
So, I just posted some facts about the LDS church that I got off of my sisters page and it made me think of something that has always really impressed me about this faith... my faith... and that is the organization of this church. Every 6 months when we have General Conference they read the church statistics to us (how many churches built, members, wards, stakes, temples, attendance, finances, service, missionaries, etc.). And every time they do this, I'm amazed at how everything runs and has a specific and proper function to the order in which everything is carried out.
In this most recent general conference, there was a talk given about how to answer the questions of someone who may be of another religion or faith and how they usually say, "Just tell me a LITTLE about your religion". I have experienced this question on many occasions and never even know where to start. One answer spins yet another question and another... However, what I have found in trying to answer these questions to the best of my ability, is that each time I answer or think about my answers, it renews my testimony of this gospel and how true it is. The perfect order and organization of this gospel 'just makes sense'. Every thing has purpose and meaning, in this life and through the eternities. I truly believe that ANY person that has an open mind and really wants to learn about this religion will find themselves and will find truth in its teachings. I have learned why 'faith' is the guiding and underlying principle of our religion and how all of the ordinances that we believe to be true are solely predicated on this one word.
As many of my close friends know, this last year and 1/2 has been really rough for me. I have lost myself and have been in a long process of finding my place again. What I know to be true is what I always come back to. This is what gives me peace in my life. I am blessed to have the knowledge and foundation of this gospel in my life and to KNOW it in my heart. I feel blessed for my testimony of these things and have often wondered in my life where I would be if I didn't have that to fall back on at the lowest points of my life.
I know that I have not always lived my life in the perfect "mormon" standard, but then again, who has? I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I am human as are the people that claim to be the perfect mormon and hide behind their church titles or proclaimed 'actions' as an excuse to do something less than integral. Often our church is judged by those that claim to be more when in reality it is just another person in this world who is as insecure about something in their life as the next.
And, as weird as it is for me to proclaim my beliefs on MySpace, why not? My religion and my beliefs are a big part of who I am and although I stumble, it is the guiding force behind the decisions I make and the bigger picture for what I want in my life. I hold dear the principles and values that are taught. Although many people view them as harsh, I don't see how the "moderation" law can be given when you are dealing with masses of people. There must be a distinct line drawn. I feel that many people view/judge LDS people for the high standards that are set instead of completely understanding or really wanting to understand our beliefs and applying those things to what it could mean for you, your family and the lives of those you love.
You will never understand everything, no one does. But I DO guaranty and put my personal promise on it, that if you want to find it and KNOW for yourself, you will. IF you have a searching, humble and open heart, the blessings and the knowledge of this gospel will be unfolded into your heart, mind and soul and you will have no questions.
Some pictures from my Wind Rivers trip:
But, before I do that, I suppose I have some updates to give.
A. The "When Harry Met Sally" scenario going on in my life with Nate... total disaster. If I'm Sally, then I'm not talking to Harry anymore. That's the part of the movie that we're in. But I don't think it's going to end the same way.
B. Went on some fun trips this summer but I surprisingly and unfortunately didn't really take any pictures. My digital stopped working and I had to get a new one. I feel sad that I don't have pic's of my trips though.
****Bear Lake Humpherys Family Reunion in July: filled with wave runners and dirt biking (which I totally wrecked my bike and still have to get it fixed)
****30 mile back packing trip to Wind Rivers in Wyoming: So Beautiful!! I was so sad to hike back into reality (cell phones, email, myspace, text messaging) It was a world with out stress.
****British Columbia for a work trip in June ...absolutely beautiful
****New Mexico for Caleb's baptism
****Colorado with my friend Heather to visit her "friend" :)
C. For awhile I wasn't doing so great at work. I'm usually 110%, but this last year my heart hasn't been in it. To tell you the truth, my whole life has been somewhere different than the norm and I've hated it. I'm on the road to making it what I want again, but it's a far stretch. My career is in recovery mode... :S
D. Jenya moved back to UT (Hallelujah). Even though I don't see her as much as I used to, it's nice to know that she is so close again and I can see her with out driving to Vegas.
E. Violin lessons have ceased to exist. :( I suck.
F. Never been so poor in my life. This is in fact an "event" in my life so it deserved a letter on my scale of things. It sucks and I'm humbled by it, but am grateful I have parents that help me and feel lucky to have them.
G. Recently got a new calling in church. Now I'm the official "FHE Mom/ Co.Coordinator". I have had FHE at my house all year long, but now have an official calling for it. I am still in the Enrichment committee as well.
H. Read my MySpace Blogs below:
Blog 1: Life Has Been Patiently Waiting For Me
You know those times when you look at your life and think, "This isn't what I've planned for myself. I didn't expect to end up here! I don't belong here" ?
The lyrics to the song below explain perfectly those same feelings we've all experienced and are feelings that I too can personally relate to. Also, I have started writing a book. I have a feeling that it will take me FOREVER to write, but this song has kind of inspired my books theme.
Life is all about "moving on". You always have trials to deal with and you have to "fall down 7 times, stand up 8", right? In the mean time, when you're picking yourself up off the floor, "Life is patiently waiting for you". The lyrics to this song are "feel good" for me and inspire me to decide to make my life what I want it.
As long as I always have the end result in mind, I can't get off course too far before I realize I'm pointed in a different direction than intended.
The reality of it is this... everyone needs time to wallow and come to grips with their past, future, fears, and trials. Everyone has something about their life that they'd do over again or that they regret. However, there is also a time that you decide that enough is enough and take responsiblity. You realize that you are the only one that has the power to change anything. It is then time to move on and face it. Optimism is a trait that can be your biggest blessing and treasure in times like those. Take all the lessons you learned from one day to the next and better yourself and those around you. In keeping that perspective, you will one day be forgiven (by yourself, others, etc) and will have given back what you have taken.
In the midst of your transition you will have forgotten about yourself and your own life and will see that the life that was waiting for you, while you were standing up that 8th time, you are now living.
Moving On, Rascal Flatts
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me sormewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
Blog 2: Crushed by Reality
I don't know if many of you knew this about me, but I used to write poems all the time. I actually have an entire book of poems I wrote when I was younger. I even used to submit them in contests. I haven't wanted to or been inspired to write a poem for years but recently wrote this one about Harry. :)
My heart is breaking...
Slowly and painfully, it's torn in two
And yet, I can't seem to keep my distance from you
I yearn for your attention, and hope that you'll soon realize
What it is that I'm all about and see it next time we catch each other's eyes
I've let all the little things you do take me over
Sight of what I really want is lost
The world has faded behind you
And my love is turning into anger and chaos
I'm going crazy for you
And I'm going crazy within myself
I don't want to lose you
But I can't let the pain, any longer, dictate my health
I will never be appreciated
This I've learned the hard way
I give and give to you
But it's never good enough anyway
I can't bear to keep this pain inside.
And I see you carry your own
I see that lost look in your eyes
And I see what others don't
You mask the pain behind your every day success
But deep down I know your crying
You too have been hurt in life
But can't find your will to keep trying
You walk this way of life
That has no direction and no meaning
But it's all right here in front of you
And pride takes over your internal warning
Prayer and faith will be a test of time
And repentance will at first make us weak
Think ahead and act upon
The buried love you feel and seek
Signals tell you that love is near
But this love is passing you by
Cause if you don't
I'll soon be out of reach
With but one more regret and tainted heart sigh
Countless nights of tears I've cried
Will never be heard by you
You'll never know the pain you've caused
And I'm tired of being held down by my love for you
You won't listen, you refuse
I could be spending my energy where it's better used
...On someone that cares and knows how to love
That's what I pray for from the good Lord above
I should start thinking of ME now
I know I deserve better than this
It's taken a few hard knocks in life
But I think it's time for that one last fatal kiss
Holding on is so much easier to do
The future would be more predictable than leaving you
I'm running out of myself to give
And although it's hard for me to admit
This isn't a love meant for me to live
I want the kind of love that will never quit
Inspired by the song, "Love She Can't Live With Out" by Clint Black. "She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with, she wants the kind of love she can't live with out."
Blog 3: Some of the most important things to me...
The following blog was posted on my myspace knowing that many people who are not LDS would read it. I felt compelled to write this.
So, I just posted some facts about the LDS church that I got off of my sisters page and it made me think of something that has always really impressed me about this faith... my faith... and that is the organization of this church. Every 6 months when we have General Conference they read the church statistics to us (how many churches built, members, wards, stakes, temples, attendance, finances, service, missionaries, etc.). And every time they do this, I'm amazed at how everything runs and has a specific and proper function to the order in which everything is carried out.
In this most recent general conference, there was a talk given about how to answer the questions of someone who may be of another religion or faith and how they usually say, "Just tell me a LITTLE about your religion". I have experienced this question on many occasions and never even know where to start. One answer spins yet another question and another... However, what I have found in trying to answer these questions to the best of my ability, is that each time I answer or think about my answers, it renews my testimony of this gospel and how true it is. The perfect order and organization of this gospel 'just makes sense'. Every thing has purpose and meaning, in this life and through the eternities. I truly believe that ANY person that has an open mind and really wants to learn about this religion will find themselves and will find truth in its teachings. I have learned why 'faith' is the guiding and underlying principle of our religion and how all of the ordinances that we believe to be true are solely predicated on this one word.
As many of my close friends know, this last year and 1/2 has been really rough for me. I have lost myself and have been in a long process of finding my place again. What I know to be true is what I always come back to. This is what gives me peace in my life. I am blessed to have the knowledge and foundation of this gospel in my life and to KNOW it in my heart. I feel blessed for my testimony of these things and have often wondered in my life where I would be if I didn't have that to fall back on at the lowest points of my life.
I know that I have not always lived my life in the perfect "mormon" standard, but then again, who has? I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I am human as are the people that claim to be the perfect mormon and hide behind their church titles or proclaimed 'actions' as an excuse to do something less than integral. Often our church is judged by those that claim to be more when in reality it is just another person in this world who is as insecure about something in their life as the next.
And, as weird as it is for me to proclaim my beliefs on MySpace, why not? My religion and my beliefs are a big part of who I am and although I stumble, it is the guiding force behind the decisions I make and the bigger picture for what I want in my life. I hold dear the principles and values that are taught. Although many people view them as harsh, I don't see how the "moderation" law can be given when you are dealing with masses of people. There must be a distinct line drawn. I feel that many people view/judge LDS people for the high standards that are set instead of completely understanding or really wanting to understand our beliefs and applying those things to what it could mean for you, your family and the lives of those you love.
You will never understand everything, no one does. But I DO guaranty and put my personal promise on it, that if you want to find it and KNOW for yourself, you will. IF you have a searching, humble and open heart, the blessings and the knowledge of this gospel will be unfolded into your heart, mind and soul and you will have no questions.
Some pictures from my Wind Rivers trip:
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